


Ambedo

by sxldato



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Croatoan/Endverse, Alternate Universe of an Alternate Universe, Blind Sam Winchester, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Psychic Sam Winchester, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-14
Updated: 2018-09-14
Packaged: 2019-07-12 03:13:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15986426
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sxldato/pseuds/sxldato
Summary: Ambedo - A kind of melancholic trance in which you become completely absorbed in vivid sensory details.The last of Sam’s sight goes, and he mourns.





	Ambedo

**Author's Note:**

> written for the loss of sense bingo square, same verse as Wake My Spirit Cold but can easily be read as a stand-alone fic  
> this is my final work for spnangstbingo! i really enjoyed this, it was rad

The first Sabbath of every month, although it was often difficult to keep track of time– the days blurred together, seamless– Sam drew back the beaded curtain and joined Cas cross-legged on the floor to smoke. 

He wasn’t proud of it, and he had made Cas swear not to tell anyone. It wouldn’t look good if his people discovered he got stoned once a month to cope with stress, the ever-present threat of total annihilation, and his rapidly worsening eyesight as the icing on the shit cake. 

October rolled around, pulling September under the horizon and taking the last fragments of Sam’s sight along with it. 

Cas, despite his cynicism and frequent highs, had gravitated closer to Sam when his vision first began to go. Sam, after all, had been there for him when Heaven clipped his wings. So on the fateful morning when Sam opened his eyes and saw nothing, Cas was half-awake beside him in their makeshift bed. 

Sam  _wailed_. Like a banshee weeping over yet another death. Like a man who had been stripped of everything. 

Cas rolled over and drew Sam close, trying to stifle Sam’s tears. The camp didn’t need to be woken to the sound of their fearless leader breaking. 

When the sobbing finally, thankfully, mercifully came to an end, Sam sat up and announced, “I gotta take the edge off.” 

“Okay,” Cas said. His fingers lingered on Sam’s skin, dancing over his spine. “That can be arranged.” 

-

One bowl later and Sam had sprawled himself out across the floor, his bare stomach and the side of his face pressing into the rickety wooden slats. His eyes were closed, although it wouldn’t make a difference if they were open. 

“Is any part of being human, like… good?” Sam asked. His mouth was dry. “Compared to being an angel, I mean.” 

“In the macro sense, not really.” Cas admitted. He was somewhere nearby, but Sam couldn’t quite place him. 

“And in a micro sense?” 

Cas didn’t answer for a while. 

“The spectrum of human emotion,” Cas said. “It’s… incomprehensible to angels. And I remember I could feel some things, before. I wasn’t made of stone. But this is different. It’s a fourth dimension.” 

Sam rolled over onto his back, tried to find Cas with sightless eyes. “Must’ve been hard to adjust to it all.” 

Sam heard a wry, self-deprecating chuckle. 

“Losing my wings, I…” Sam imagined Cas shaking his head and restarting his thought. “It’s so easy to feel useless. Like I drag you down. Hurt more than I help.” 

“That’s not true,” Sam whispered. He pushed himself up into a seated position. The intricate patterns in the wood dug into the pads of his fingers. 

“You’re high. I don’t have to believe you.” 

“ _Believe me._ ” Sam reached out, pawing in the darkness, searching, and finally found Cas’s hand. 

Cas’s eyes were on him; Sam didn’t need to see to be confident about that. It pierced through him, seared its mark, white hot. 

Sometimes Sam forgot Cas wasn’t an angel anymore. 

“I’m sorry,” Cas said. He gave Sam’s hand a gentle squeeze. “For all that you have lost.” 

The familiar burning sensation that accompanied tears was almost comforting. That hot sting, the taste of salt on his lips, Cas’s thumb brushing over his skin to wipe it away. 

Sam leaned forward, hesitant and unsure if Cas would be there to meet him in the middle. His vision had been fading for a while, but the complete lack of it was oceans apart from where he’d been just the night before. Nothing was certain. 

Then Cas caught Sam’s lips in a gentle kiss and Sam tasted smoke. It was only in that moment that Sam thought of Cas’s face, and the heartbreaking realization that he would never see it again. 

Sam pulled back, taking Cas’s face in his hands. The scruff along his jaw grazed Sam’s palms and Sam touched their foreheads together, biting down on the urge to cry for the third time that morning. Just breathing, in and out. 

“Are you okay?” Cas spoke in a whisper. 

Sam told him no, he wasn’t, not at all, and buried his head in Cas’s shoulder. 

“Well,” Cas said, wrapping his arms around him and pressing a kiss to his head. “You will be.” 

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr @itsaboutsam!


End file.
